We had a new Comptroller start working at our company a few weeks ago. She seemed nice enough, and I felt an urge to make an effort to reach out to befriend her, but I did my usual talking myself out of it. I figured I had time to get to know her and she was new and probably overwhelmed. There was something about her that drew me to her for some reason, not in a romantic attraction way or anything like that, I just really felt strongly that I should get to know her. Now, I cant get past the fact that there were two distinct moments that I hesitated as I left her office that i considered starting a non-work related conversation.I don't get these feelings often, but I wish I did. I am a very lonely person and need to make an effort to change that.

Anyway, the fact of the story is that tragically, Debbi was murdered last night. By her estranged husband. She was on the phone with 911 and he made it into the house and then the phone went dead. By the time the police arrived, she had been shot dead. Her husband left and drove to a nearby house and shot himself to death. One of the worst parts in my mind is that they had 2 children that were home. Her 10 year old apparently watched it all happen from the closet, and the 4year old luckily was in bed, hopefully sleeping. I have been crying all day. I remember nights shortly after my separation that I literally feared Tyler showing up at my door angry. He never hurt me, of course, but there were several months that i fully expected it. I also keep putting Ethan into the story. Her child was 4 years old. How would Ethan handle witnessing such a thing?How do children recover from watching one parent kill the other? And since there was a restraining order, apparently there has been long term abuse. The poor children...

I also have this sickening feeling that I will be having nightmares tonight (a rare experience) because all I can do is picture and imagine the fear that Debbi felt, panicked on the phone with 911...so close to help, but will they make it in time? How do you protect your children? Will the children listen if you make them hide or will they try to be brave and protect her? Will her husband focus on her and allow the children to escape the physical portion of this Hell.Was she screaming to the dispatcher, was she begging? was she able to remain calm? How do you respond to danger and protect yourself without panicking your children or putting them in danger?

It also breaks me heart that as a new acquaintance, I had no signs that her life wasn't hunky dory. She is a CPA and a new employee. We were working to help get her up to speed. I did some research for her within my department (purchasing) to assist in her CPA work and the accounting department procedures.She was always well groomed, dressed well, if a little conservative.She was very open that she was bad with names and asked me my name each time we talked. I always laughed about it. She is more forward than I am. I wait til the person leaves and then ask someone else who it was. :)

Anyway, I apparently believe in an afterlife of some point. I hope what they say about violent deaths delaying things isn't true...But I wish her peace at last. Her kids seem to be happy with their grandparents. I hope that arrangement remains suitable.

I jumped into helping set up some type of collections either financial or something to provide a great Christmas for the kids. For some reason, it is VERY important to me to help these children. This is one urge I will NOT ignore. I know Debbie was a wonderful person worth knowing and I may have been able to make her first few weeks at work more welcoming.
I know lots of presents will do nothing to help them deal with the pain and grief, but I want the kids, and the grandparents to know that there are many people that want to help and contribute in whatever necessary ways to provide as positive a future for the children as can be created...And I think a beautiful Christmas may give them the opportunity to have a normal holiday celebration on wone level, while allowing them to reflect on their parents and maybe use the stories and happy memories to help drive a positive route into the future. To be honest, I HATE watching people in pain, especially children and if I can take away sadness for 5 minutes with a new doll to hug or a bike to ride to get out and clear the mind, sign me up.

I went to a Halloween festival tonight. In between hayride, field of screams, village of the dead, etc...I had my palm and tarot cards read. It was amazing! I have always been curious, but never had the nerve to get it done.

Miss Sophia was really good! I didn't talk at all at first, I didn't want to give her anything to work with (I know, I am too cynical). But after I cut and selected my cards and she laid them out...she immediately went into general character traits. She basically started out with I am honest and hardworking. Nothing shocking. Then she asked me if I realize that I overanalyze my past. Uh...that hit a little close to home. :) Then she mentioned I smile alot, but it is from my face, not from my heart. From there, she talked about depression in my family, a troubled relationship with a family member, the fact that there were relationships with family members and a particular friend that were failing. Then she mentioned a change in housing that would be occuring in the next year or so (I am planning to buy a house in the late spring). She told me I have a long lifeline and have a long and prosperous life in front of me. Lastly, she got to romance. She told me I have had a up and down road in that area and that it would continue to be that way for a while. I wouldn't have a serious relationship for about 2 1/2 to 4 years. She told me to have fun in the mean time, but not to make anything more serious than it is and to allow myself time to heal, that I have been through many hardships for someone my age.

I feel so at peace about my life after this. I have never been sure how I feel about tarot, etc, but have been drawn to it. I feel that she is dead on about so many things, and it really gives me peace to be able to relax and focus on myself and the present (she told me to quit stressing about my past and worrying about the future and to just live). As lonely as I am, it really comforts me to just ignore heavy relationships for a couple years. I also know that the harder you look for that stuff, the less likely you will find something quality. She told me I have no trouble attracting men, but I attract the wrong types. :)

A peaceful mind is so wonderful!

So, since I sporadically try to do a gratitude journal, I try on a daily basis to have the mindset to look for the things that make me happy and to see the positive in negative situations. Today, I was forced to deal with a car issue that I have been avoiding, but because of it, I got to spend the whole morning with Ethan unexpectedly!

I have noticed the passenger floor of my car in the front and the back being wet. Like, water seeping UP from under, not a spill on top. This has been going on for a while, I actually have no idea how long, but months for sure. I generally just try to ignore it. The other day, I tried to sop up the water with a towel and actually heard water sloshing under the carpet...this freaked me out, but not enough to look further into it. I have NO money to pay my regular bills, let alone how ever much it would cost to fix this repair...so, head in the sand. Today, I was pulling into my parking lot and when I turned, I saw water gush out onto the floor in the back. I look and the water was coming from where the seat belt connects to the floor, there is a gap in the carpet. So, I see there is a small wet spot in the front and I get angry and pull the carpet up from the floor and see a good inch or so of water under it! I pull more and more carpet up and the padding under is SOAKED and there is a ton of water there. I would say a good gallon or two. I called Tyler to see if he has a wet/dry vac I could use. He let me come over and Ethan was so excited to see me, he came and played in the car while I sucked up water. Tyler looked at it for me, and we couldn't find a hole. I remembered reading online that the year of my car had some issues with water, so I looked it up, it is the AC condensation leaking into the floor panel. Anyway, Tyler took advantage of my being there to get some work done on a website he is developing and then asked if I could stay for a bit to let him get more done. So, I put off the laundry and stuff I had planned to do today and got to play with my boy. He was so sweet. He kept trying to get me to take him to my apartment. I told him I was going to play with him at Daddy's house and we would go to the apartment tomorrow. I am so glad to see that he wants to spend time with me. Usually he is very loving and everything, but it is hard for me to tell that he misses me when I am not there. I almost wish he didn't, so he wouldn't hurt, but it does make me feel stronger about fighting to be a big part of his life. He is such a big boy now...potty trained and he told me how to tie his shoes...each step as I did it. I pretended like I forgot how and he told me..."loop, around, and loop" Not too shabby for a two year old! And I got the sweetest hugs and cuddles.

Tyler and I are sitting down tomorrow night to put into writing exactly what our visitation schedule is to minimize the need for communicating. We get along ok most of the time, but when he is stressed out, we end up with situations like the other night and I am so done with that. I told him we needed to make some stuff official so we didn't have to discuss things unless they needed modified. I am hoping to get to see E a little bit more than I do now. I have a couple small gaps in my schedule that I am going to try to fit in a couple hours. If we can agree on it, I will get to spend at least some time with him 3 or 4 days a week instead of just one. Man, I hope so. I made sure to tell Tyler thank you for helping with the car and for having me stay to play. I want him to know how much those things mean, so he understands that I am not ungrateful when he makes an effort.

Today...I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer for a consultation to be sure that we are handling the divorce properly and that I am not screwing myself by moving out. Tyler didn't want to see a lawyer because of the money and he thinks we can handle things between ourselves, but I am scared that something we do won't hold up in court or things willl turn sour and things may bite me in the ass later. So, this is just to cover my own ass.

Today... I FINALLY scheduled a job interview. It is at a grocery store, but it is local, so no commute and it should give me some flexibility in scheduling. I was very depressed to be applying there considering the higher level jobs I have done in the past, but I am no longer too upset about the possibility because....

Today...I enrolled in school. I start classes on June 8 in Database programming. It is an associates program at a technical college. They offer free tutoring and job placement at graduation. I am SO excited. I have some credits that should transfer so, I should be able to finish in about a year. Also, I found out they changed the GI bill and I will qualify for benefits even though I originally declined to participate when I enlisted. So, I will have help with tuition PLUS some living expense money and help with books. I could probably even afford to not work while I am in school. But that doesn't start until August, so I will need to work until then and will probably continue even after that because I want to build my savings and I really really want to go on an art retreat my friend is teaching in Italy next fall. I suddenly feel positive about life. I haven't been able to say that sentence in a VERY long time.

So, I am getting a divorce. That sounds so bizarre, I just keep repeating it to myself, trying to make it sound normal. But I can't. I just really thought I would be the one person in my family to make a marriage work. I waited until I was older to get married, I married my best friend, I thought those things would make it work. The problem was I married my best friend without dating first and while we were both so sad and lonely from other heartache that we just clung to each other and thought we could save each other. We can't. And now we have Ethan to care for, so we have to be so careful now.

The amazing thing is, I think I have my best friend back. Once we got through the conversation and I agreed that a divorce was the best solution, we started talking about how to care for Ethan and protect him. We talked about what was best for him. We talked about how much we missed each other's friendship. I have not talked to Tyler or hugged and cuddled and cried with him as much as I did yesterday in I don't know how long. It seems weird, but I think we are going to help each other through this more than anyone else will help us. We think by splitting now, we can avoid bitter hatred and allow Ethan to have two parents who are best friends again and can spend time together with him all together and care about him more than anything. I don't have good examples of how to divorce nicely in my family, so I am scared this will turn ugly, but we are both good people and like he told me, this is big, if we fuck this up, it is really big and will really affect Ethan so badly. So, we are being careful and respectful and loving. I wish we could have done that for the last 3 years.

It is so hard for me to understand how two people can be amazing as friends and really not fit as spouses. We want different lifestyles and have different goals in life. When we first got together, we were both military and poor. I have always been poor and didn't want to be anymore, but I wanted to be comfortable. Tyler is extremely ambitious and I am very proud of him, but I think he works too hard and doesn't enjoy the success he has achieved, because it isn't enough for him yet. So, we clash there. There are endless things like that.

We decided that Ethan will live in the house here with Tyler and we will split time with him, but we have arranged it so that Ethan can sleep in his own bed every night. We want to keep his life as stable as possible. my family ripped me a new one when they found out that I wasn't taking Ethan. But the thing is, if I had full custody, I will have to work full-time and he will be in daycare and I wouldnt' see him any more than this way. And this way, he spends his days with his grandmother learning pre-school type things from her instead of strangers at a daycare and then he spends evening with one or both of us, depending on the night and the situation. Then he gets to sleep in his same bed every night, no packing a bag every weekend, etc. It is hard for me to imagine not being the one to get up with him for his night terrors, but I know Tyler loves him and can calm him down. This way, Tyler gets to see him the same amount as me. We started out with Ty having him Mon-Fri and i got every weekend, but I can't go that long without him and Ty would really only see him for a few hours before bed when they would both be tired and cranky. that isn't fair to them, either. This way, no one has to go more than 48 hours or so without seeing him and we each get "fresh" time on the weekends when we aren't exhausted from work and he isn't cranky and ready for bed.

I hope we can keep things as friendly and loving through this whole process. I don't want Ethan to have the pain that I had growing up of drama between the parents. But I really believe that if anyone can make this work, it is me and Tyler.

So, last night, our workout at the gym was to run two miles. Now, running and I have never gotten along very well. The only time in my life I have tried to run was when I was in the Air Force. I didn't do well. During basic training, I passed out three times during my run tests (3 of them). Then once I was active duty, I would get severe panic attacks everytime I would try to run. So, I ended up with waivers and would bike test instead. I never really got past this issue while I was in. I would dream about running at night and it would be so easy and fun that I would wake up and want to run, but would try and run into the same issues. Since I have been doing crossfit, my cardio-vascular situation is much stronger and my endurance is really building up. They have had us do little runs of 400 meters here and there and I could tell those were easier for me than what I remembered, but they were still not easy. I have set goals for myself to run a 5K for Arthritis in April and then next March run at least a half-marathon for St Patricks day.

I walked into the gym last night and saw that workout and I got scared. But I told myself this is something I really want to be good at and I can't chicken out or let myself fail. So, I ran. I did do some walking, but not as early in as I expected and not as much total walking as I expected. I finished at 29:22. I couldn't believe it! I finished under 30 minutes on something that I hadn't ever really been able to finish period! So, my goal of the 5K is totally realistic by April 25 and I have made the goal a little bit more. My goal is to run that 5K and finish under 30 minutes.

I have to admit I am thoroughly sore today and actually woke up from pain during the night...muscle and joint pain. But I took pain meds and went back to sleep and am just really sore but proud today!

I have decided on two new goals:

Instead of walking in the Arthritis Walk in April, I will attempt to run.

Next year I will either run in the Shamrock Half-marathon or the whole marathon. I have plenty of time to train, but am unsure about how realistic a marathon is for me. I am sure I could train for and accomplish that goal, but am not sure I want to commit to that level of running. I will plan for it, but if the training loses its appeal, I will drop down to the half-marathon. I WILL run one of the two next March.

We got our tax return this morning and I just submitted payments to all our credit cards! All will now have a zero balance!!! YAY! Now, we need to pay off the cars and student loans...and then the house...that one will take a while, but no credit card debt! YAY!

I had my 30 day weigh in and fit test yesterday...here is my progress:

5 pounds lost
5 inches off my waist
2.5 inches off my hips
0.5 inches off my neck
body fat is down 2.5%


Fit test
day1 in 2 minutes for each category I did:
32 squats
3 knee pushups
24 second static arm hang
0 situps
2:36 500 meter row

day 30
58 squats
10 full pushups, plus 21 knee pushups
36 second hang
34 situps
2:24 500 meter row

So, MAJOR progress....I will update again after the next weigh-in in a month.

Well, I have been working out at Compound Crossfit for 4 weeks now. I am really enjoying it, but it is intimdating as f*ck. I am having trouble sticking to the Zone diet. I just want to not have to think about what I am eating. But I know that that is how I weighed 182 pounds when I started this boot camp. I am sure I will be in amazing shape by the end of this camp and I enrolled for a membership at the gym after the camp is over. Tyler is really proud and wants me to keep it up, no matter the money. This makes me happy. It is nice to have time to myself away from home. I am getting impatient with my weight, it seemed to go down the first two weeks and now it is fluctuating. I know I don't need to focus on the scale, but it is such a frustration for me to not see the number go down.

I am happy with the house. We have been here for over two weeks and we finally have internet and phone. We bought a house in the county, still here in Virginia. It is beautiful and much bigger than the apartment. Ethan loves it, and Tyler is really enjoying having his garage and getting to work on his Nova...


We weighin again on the 21st. Hopefully, I will see some progress.